Today is a new day, it’s the last day of the month. Another month is already gone this year. It seems like it was yesterday that the New Year was upon us. I remember the ball dropping and the promises of the New Year and the new resolutions. This year has been nothing like I had planned in the ending months of last year. I have grown substantially in the last few months and have learned to love myself , so I will have feelings to share with others. Today marks the halfway point of the recovery program that I’m enrolled in , it seems to be helping in ways I couldn’t have guessed before I started.
The past seems so far behind me now , and the memory’s of most are long gone , only a few remain as they will forever. I do revisit the past on occasion and miss certain pieces of it still. I do understand I cannot return to the ways of my past but the invasion of its thoughts continue. Today is kinda a blah day for me , hopefully the weather will be a little warmer this week.
I hope all have a great day..
Jalopy or junk? (Photo credit: Salim Virji)
I was wondering around the car show yesterday , all the time thinking about how the cars were kept in such astonishing condition . It wasn’t the biggest car show I’ve been too , but it seem very soothing for me after a week thinking and over thinking . It’s funny how things will bring back old memory’s from the past. There were a few cars that triggered memory’s I had long forgotten , but were graciously welcomed. The work that went into a few of these cars was at an astonishing level as they were in such immaculate condition . I caught myself comparing my condition to one of that , in an old car. I thought , I wonder if I could be in a condition as these cars with a little hard work ? The comparison for me was an easy thing to see , as a couple of these cars were in bad shape and needed a lot of hard work to get back to an operational condition. I’m not saying were all like an old car …that would be funny, I can’t stop thinking of Cars the movie and placing my friends in a certain vehicle.
The company I had was a refreshing change from the solitude of my new schedule of activity’s I had put in place. It was great being with people who didn’t define me for what I could give them , do for them etc, rather they just enjoyed the day and what it held . I did enjoy my day , the conversation was at a higher level than I’m used to , but enjoy. I really look forward to more friendships on this level and more visits with my new-found friends of late.
It’s an awesome sunny day here , as we now only need the temps to rise a little for a perfect day…. not really sure how I feel today. The way I have been feeling here lately is hard to describe. I am still not feeling sincere on all aspects of my recovery , as I’m not really sure how an addict is supposed to feel in recovery. It seems that the small things in life, like looking up at the stars has been lost. The urgency of drug use has seemed to take control of this part of life.
In my group session yesterday we spoke of getting to know each other in our lesson. The main question answered in this group was about recovery not being a solo activities. We as addicts need others to help in our recovery efforts . We were given a personalized worksheet to fill out that had several questions about personal experiences, beliefs, and traditions. I do believe this group was a giant success, because there has been separate days of very low involvement from all in the group. This day all participants seem to unload different stresses that were on their minds. I do certainly feel closer to all that are participating in this group.
One of the questions that really caught my eye, was the role religion, spirituality plays in our lives. When asked this question I for one, that I believe in a higher power, there is a higher power involved in my life. The differences in answers to this question not only prove the different levels of recovery of the participants, but the total different ways of thinking that we all have. I do have specific feelings on faith and how we all approach this faith in our own ways, as we all have our own special way of thinking.
Today seems to be one of those days that I feel I should be further along in my recovery. I know in my head that today’s one of those days I’m going to have to think about slowing down again, as recovery cannot be forced or hurried. I have started a small schedule of my days to help with a small portion of direction in my life. It has helped immensely, and my vocabulary has gotten better thanks to the vocabulary class I’m taking.
I do hope everyone has a nice weekend, I feel kind of empty.
Sunny Days, Starry Nights (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today is a new day, I don’t need to use today. I’m where I need to be right now, as I have had a restless night . I have been consumed by thoughts of independent life , missing things from the past . I need to unplug further of my past memories , and thoughts as they serve me no purpose in this sober attempt at a new life. I find this kinda aggravating as some of these memories , I was looking forward in retaining . I’m learning more and more the truth that past has got to be forgotten. I hope these feelings soon become a thing of the past as they are very debilitating .
submissive - inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination; “submissive servants”; “a submissive reply”; “replacing troublemakers with more submissive people”
- inclined to timidity or lack of self-confidence; “a shy unassertive person”
- dutifully complying with the commands or instructions of those in authority; “an obedient soldier”; “obedient children”; “a little man obedient to his wife”; “the obedient colonies…are heavily taxed; the refractory remain unburdened”- Edmund Burke
- marked by meekness or modesty; not arrogant or prideful; “a humble apology”; “essentially humble…and self-effacing, he achieved the highest formal honors and distinctions”- B.K.Malinowski
- subject or submissive to authority or the control of another; “a subordinate kingdom”
The thing I have been thinking of lately is the things we all do just to appease others. I think in my past I demanded certain behavior from people or persons closest to me. I was in a position in my employment to demand this as well. I think I had a very domineering personality, and wanted submissive behavior under me for satisfaction. One of the main driving factors in my own experience may have been low self-esteem as I needed someone of that nature as I couldn’t control an independent type personality. I also think a little selfishness was involved in my personality traits as they promoted the dominate behavior further.
….I’m no psychiatrist by any means …lol kinda self diagnosing through my known experiences.
There may have been a time in my relationships that this dominant , submissive personality actually worked out . I also think some persons just feel comfortable with these personality’s active as long as security is involved . Security , the driving force in some , maybe most people to achieve as we feel at ease after this accomplishment. Are we willing to give up certain liberty’s for security ?To be submissive or just appease someone to make them happy if they supply our security ? I know this to be true because of my past , I’ve seen this with my own eyes and I am sure this behavior is continuing. Some believe that the submissive personality doesn’t have an opinion in the eyes of the dominant , this isn’t true . I do think if a dominant and submissive personality exist and have respect for each other this situation can last for years . On the other hand when the respect is lost or the satisfaction for either personality evaporates this situation erupts violently and almost expeditiously . These are only my opinions and as I have said …I’m no psychologist.. or Psychiatrist…But I do need to talk with one…
I do hope all of you have an awesome day , I’m getting through these days , this blog really helps …I’m Tim ..I feel overextended but learning everyday…
Today is a great day , my sister’s here from mass . We haven’t seen each other for some time so I’m gonna spend time with her and will be back tomorrow..Hope all have a great day..!!
The month of April has gone by fast for me …It seems time is starting to fly by. This is something I think we all feel from time to time , or the older we get time seems to pick up the pace . This kinda bothers me as my direction isn’t quite set. I’m not the kind of person to just goes through life with no idea or direction and hope for the best. This may be needed for me , to just let down my guard for a while and experience total spontaneous life . To roll with the punches, it’s truly something I have trouble doing as I seem to need at least a minimum of direction. As for the month of April goes I had it in my head that this recovery would be over and my life would be back on course. I’m not even close to the end of this recreation if you will. I do worry about time , but really need to just live for a while and see where it takes me.
This recovery has no time limit , I also think this is the main reason others fail. We as addicts , even if we recognize we have this problem and want to abstain from abuse , we all have recurring feelings that our lives will just start-up again. I still find myself thinking ( well my programs done in 8 weeks and I’m done ) I’ll just start my life where I left off… hmm that’s not the way it can be if I want to continue being drug free. I have to Incorporate the program into my life and keep following certain rules of recovery. I do know it will get even easier than it is now , but this also scares me in a way that I will get to comfortable with my addictions and relapse. It’s kind of a double edge sword , you have to be strong enough to have the thoughts of drug abuse on your mind to a certain extent just to make sure you don’t relapse , and don’t relapse while their on your mind as this is also a vicious circle .
This blog is such an awesome tool for me , I hope this doesn’t sound negative as it’s actually doing me great things . I haven’t been this positive with my life in a long time . It’s Sunday and life is getting better for me , as my life is taking some direction , as not worrying about specific things .. Just roll with it for a while and see what it has to bring. My sister is coming today for a visit , we will have a nice time I’m sure.
Aprilis half over , my new life’s just began … My name is Tim , I’m a recovering addict and I’m the vanquisher of this addiction. Everyone I feel confident.. have a nice day .
Tweaking Memories could prevent relapse
Original article from BBC news
Substance-abuse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today I have a one on one meeting with my primary counselor as well as a group meeting that follows. I’m not to sure the help I’m getting from the meetings I’m having here but I think I will complete this program just for the sake of not quitting. The information they share is of quality that could be found anywhere online . The recent video shown was from a BBC special . Now please I’m not complaining , I just thought for a program of this caliber the information and delivery would be a little different.
The one thing that’s really bothering me lately is lack of friendship/companionship , not to be confused with an intimate relationship. Just growing socially without the association with drugs seems to be a harder pursuit than expected. I was always one to make friends easily , more easily than most as I could adapt to most situations without fear. Looking back at some of these situations of friendship , I see that probably half of these so-called friends never were true friendships at all even from the beginning. The loneliness and boredom are a very bad combination for persons in my situation , at least for me it is. That’s when my thoughts take over and pull out all stops to cure boredom as we all know the easiest way to do that. I am thinking about going to college , but don’t think the friend thing will be much better there as I’m sure there will be some my age but most are somewhat younger. That kinda bothers me too, blending in is going to be a lot harder for someone my age rather than teens straight from high school. It could be I’m afraid to make friendships as I’ve lost almost everyone that I had due to drug problems or something stemming from addiction. I have lost many friendships that could have survived without the addictions that I had , but were they worth keeping ..?
I have felt in the recent past the lack of ground I was gaining , not for fighting addiction but just life in general . I guess this is just a rut that we all get into…? I,m not to good with ruts because I would be searching for relief before this would happen . I wish this program was more involved with the problems that lead to addiction rather than the education on how drugs influence the brain. I do have interest in this area as well, but understanding peer pressure and other triggers in my opinion would help in abundance . The reading I’m doing is beginning to be repetitive , as the opinions are all pointing in the same direction. It’s a sunny day here , as the mood is rising for the nice spring weather. I hope you all have a great weekend , get out and try to enjoy this weather , as that’s what I’m going to do..try anyway!!
Everyone I feel good…
Today is a better day than yesterday , for me it seems the days are staying average . I do have a single question to ask , why would people or persons deliberately want to bring harm to someone already struggling or hurting ? I am seeing this very clearly now due to my sobriety , and I’m in shock because of these selfish acts. The social insecurity’s I have seen presently are so unsophisticated their elementary . The thing I want most out of recovery is happiness and peace , I’m not sure why certain persons would want the chaos to remain in my life, as just the act of me blogging about this subject has me losing to them. I know I am the only one that gives them power over me and it ends today, so please if your reading this and your laughing building up your ego or thinking your better, well you win….I give up!!!
Just so all of you know …I am a drug addict, I have no job, I basically have nothing … when I say nothing… I mean absolutely nothing. I am in recovery , I do have friends and family I’m aware of on my side , I’m asking to the rest please leave me be …There are reasons I’m doing what I’m doing ok…if you don’t know why maybe that’s because you’re the problem or a big part of it. I am finally finding happiness for my self and I’m not willing to give that up for anyone.
I also will not lie anymore for anyone…so if you looking this way to clear your conscience , save it . Things of the past are over and forgotten…I am holding on to some good memory’s , the rest is gone. I’m not going to relive anything from the past again as its lost forever..! Again please …no need to comment on this post as I am mostly venting out these old feelings , I’m confused on certain occasions as how to continue my recovery…
Thanks for the support …
Today was a very interesting day , as I awoke to severe pain and shortness of breath. I was on my way to ER at 5:00 am wondering what was in store for me now..! The absence of drugs from my system seem very chaotic as I am feeling different kinds of pain never felt before or not to the extreme I am now. This morning was an awakening for me in certain ways as I am becoming aware of the real problems that arise from extended drug abuse and cigarette smoking.
I really don’t feel well so I’m going to close with a re-post another blog entry from Spilled Cookies , It seems to be a lost art nowadays as we don’t write like we did . I am just becoming very interested in writing and I agree with Cherry ….I say write..!
To Write or Not To Write?
ER (TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Please visit this blog and enjoy….
It seems I have been awarded the versatile Bloggers award…. I am fairly new here so I will do the best I can , I do appreciate the mention from spilled cookies as this is my favorite blog on this site…!! Thank you Cherry….!! Now it seems I have a few things to do…
If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
Awesome song please give it a
Today is a new day, I don’t need to use today. Spring is on the way ,everything is getting a new chance . I have mixed feelings on this subject…as I am starting over again by choice but a very hard choice. I am fully aware now that a full make over of my life is essential for my success. These thoughts have me feeling really down and questioning whether I want to continue this task. It takes all I have some days to keep going , even with the friends and family that continue
A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: Wikipedia) pain either, as we all have felt some sort of that pain. Emotional pain , whether caused by others or ourselves ,pain so enormous there's no holding back..Please think about this very carefully . There's really an easy answer here , that's compassion and feeling for others not so fortunate as we are.
their support unconditionally. Please in no way am i ever going to stop this fight for sobriety and happiness , it’s just how I feel sometimes and it gets very hard and confusing.
The way we as a society think about some things is very confusing. When someone cries we get all uptight and try to get them to stop. I wonder is this because we want these persons to feel better? …or are we so insecure it makes us uncomfortable to see this happen. I know in my experience its the insecurity of those that want the crying to end. Can someone tell me any feelings on this subject…? How do you really feel when you see someone in enough pain to cry..?
When a lot of us were children our parents or guardians were in the same way as we are now. Have you ever heard a parent tell you or a friend to stop that crying….Ill give you something to cry about . Hmmmm so maybe we are, as a society somewhat trained as kids to be insecure? I wonder has anybody else questioned these things or is it just me …. don’t rock the boat..? if its broken and no one cares just don’t worry about it…! is that it…or if its good enough for me when I was brought up its good enough for them..hmmm that’s it…!!!! I do think some things have changed , as change needs to come a little quicker. We are to worried about other things to care for the more simple cures of a society that’s hurting.
Well I’m gonna say I have cried like a baby several times in the last
Biting one's lip can be a physical manifestation of worry. Español: Morderse los labios puede ser una manifestación exter
few weeks , some telling me that’s more of a man than most. I was brought up with the sayings real men don’t cry… wow so in the end I’m the only one I need to worry about , as I did put stock in these traditions and lore …but after it’s all said and done I’m the one who is liable for my happiness so I’m going to do what I have to for the achievement of this goal.
I’m Tim , I am an addict… sober and searching for happiness….. I feel accomplished….. Thanks for reading , see you tomorrow!!!!
Check out this article on crying :
Cry Me A River: The Psychology Of Crying
anxiety (Photo credit: FlickrJunkie)
How do you like Wednesday? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today . I’m getting through this last bout of terrible feelings I’ve had ,and feel somewhat better. The rush of panic has left me to say the least exhausted as I’m going to post a few calming pics and take a break. Thanks for the support everyone I’m feeling optimistic.
- Day 12: hmmmmm… (poolsidemusings.wordpress.com)
- Health Benefits of Almonds (tlhdiabetes.wordpress.com)
Anxiety Attacks and Anxiety Disorders
Please visit link for more info ……
Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today. Yesterday was the second time going to the class portion of my recovery program. The subject for this class again being alcoholism and the effects on
family members. This class probably isn’t designed for me but I will take away what helps me and leave the rest. I do participate as much as possible and more than other members in this group.
This roller coaster of feelings has got to be the most exhausting part of recovery, as I can see why curtain people fail. This addiction monster is a very sneaky thing, as it uses your own mind , memory’s , needs and wants against you. The last few days have been very stressful due to feelings coming from the past , as I am having trouble fighting them off. It is getting better finally but wow what a ride I have been on.
The things I want to do , I cant seem to get going as the future is not in view. I would like to plan for a couple of things a little down the road but it may be a waste as I’m not sure whats there for me. It’s very aggravating at times , as this fuels anxiety by itself . I’m not really sure if I could plan to visit somebody two months away, as maybe I wouldn’t be able to attend. It’s this anxiety that also fuels the addiction monsters vicious appetite for destruction. It’s so easy to lose hope for some too easy , as for me I have people who care and love me , that I may call for support. I feel good……
Please click on link below to continue with the article It’s very informative..!
The Surprising Truth About Addiction
- Roller-Coaster (freshchallengescoaching.wordpress.com)
- Drug Roller Coaster…
A cycle of using amphetamines or caffeine to feel more awake after a night of drinking, then later using alcohol to feel tired and go back to bed at night, then popping uppers in the morning again, etc etc etc. Dangerous due to the countering effects on the heart and bra
Today is a new day, it’s a sunny cool day, I don’t need to use today. Today I woke with feelings of my past, anxious feelings that tell me to move on. This is very upsetting and very hard to explain, as most have a life plan into effect. These feelings are very malicious , as they are mood altering and attitude changing feelings. I am struggling with thoughts of future events , as the future doesn’t exist for me yet. The dreams I once had are all stifled because of my thoughts being unable to stretch past a week or two. It seems a joke to some people for totally ruining others lives , however if you’ve been through this on the losing end there’s nothing funny about it . I have had a lot of advise to just put this behind me and don’t worry about it . This advise seems great if your saying it , but no so much if your hearing it. Some things are very difficult to get over , losing everything is one of them . I do however hope this never happens to anyone , as if it does then and only then will you feel as I feel and know what I know. I don’t have these feelings very often anymore , but I’m sure there not over with completely. It makes for a bad morning , as I know everyone has these mornings whether in my situation or not . I’m in no way saying my brand of worry and stress is any worse than others , but different in ways that’s not understood by all. I have many telling me “your futures bright” hmmmm it’s hard for me to take this comment to heart as my future in my mind doesn’t exist . So please answer this question … I have heard from most not to look to the future .. to take this one day at a time . I have done this and when this seems comfortable … lol the same say ohhh your futures bright ….Really ! wow ok …so where do we go from here , Do you see this confusion that I feel..! I’m Tim ..I’m an addict. I feel confused… have a great day …!
A few articles for fun…
Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today . I’m thinking more and more of trust and its lacking in recovery. The hardest and most important part of recovery is trust issues on both , addict and
innocent family members . I’m in a hard spot when it comes to this , I think about it daily and it’s my main worry. The lack of trust in my opinion slows down recovery for both, as the addict a lot of times throws the recovery away because of this. This is an awful situation , as in I know by my experiences that trust is hard to feel from others unless talked about. Another problem I have found is unfounded trust or pride , a lot of times we as the addicts are some what “told what we want to hear ” even if congrats aren’t necessary. This shows the addicted that real concern doesn’t exist. I feel some need to just do one of two things , either get involved with the recovery or just stay positive with limited comment on the recovery . Please don’t get me wrong we need all people helping as we heal , we just don’t want unfounded credit for things we haven’t done yet. I probably missed what I was trying to say as this is very hard to explain . I guess people who comment unfounded statements do more damage than good in my view , as were the ones getting educated on these subjects . I know the trust is hard to give in these situations …but to truly help a recovery such as mine , it needs trust , commitment , positive feedback on true goals , positive attitudes all around . The trust seems to be the hardest to get from some , all I know is I for one hope it comes in time. The lack of listening is another thing I have found as a real bring down , as i have brought this up before . It’s really aggravating to say the same thing over and over and you just know someones not paying attention to you. Please have a great week …I’m Tim I am an addict ..I’m not addicted anymore ..I feel fantastic and am looking forward to this week ..