Monday April 30….another month gone…!

Today is a new day, it’s the last day of the month. Another month is already gone this year.  It seems like it was yesterday that the New Year was upon us.  I remember the ball dropping and the promises of the New Year and the new resolutions. This year has been nothing like I had planned in the ending months of last year. I have grown substantially in the last few months and have learned to love myself , so I will have feelings to share with others. Today marks the halfway point of the recovery program that I’m enrolled in , it seems to be helping in ways I couldn’t have guessed before I started.

The past seems so far behind me now , and the memory’s of most are long gone ,  only a few remain as they will  forever. I do revisit the past on occasion and miss certain pieces of it still. I do understand I cannot return to the ways of my past but the invasion of its thoughts continue.  Today is kinda a blah day for me , hopefully the weather will be a little warmer this week.

 

 

 

I hope all have a great day..

Sunday April 29 ….empty thoughts are not always bad…?

Jalopy or junk? (Photo credit: Salim Virji)

I was wondering around the car show yesterday , all the time thinking about how the cars were kept in such astonishing condition . It wasn’t the biggest car show I’ve been too , but it seem very soothing for me after a week thinking and over thinking . It’s funny how things will bring back old memory’s from the past. There were a few cars that triggered memory’s I had long forgotten , but  were graciously welcomed. The work that went into a few of these cars was at an  astonishing level as they were in such immaculate  condition . I caught myself comparing my condition to one of that , in an old car. I thought , I wonder if I could be in a condition as these cars with a little hard work ? The comparison for me was an easy thing to see , as a couple of these cars were in bad shape and needed a lot of hard work to get back to an operational condition. I’m not saying were all like an old car …that would be funny, I can’t stop thinking of Cars the movie and placing my friends in a certain vehicle.

The company I had was a refreshing change from the solitude of my new schedule of activity’s I had put in place. It was great being with people who didn’t define me for what I could give them , do for them etc, rather they just enjoyed the day and what it held . I did enjoy my day , the conversation was at a higher level than I’m used to , but enjoy. I really look forward to more friendships on this level and more visits with my new-found friends of late.

Never Empty Thoughts: Alcohol Awareness Month largely ignored by students

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Saturday April 28…sunny days ..

It’s an awesome sunny day here , as we now only need the temps to rise a little for a perfect day…. not really sure how I feel today. The way I have been feeling here lately is hard to describe. I am still not feeling sincere on all aspects of my recovery , as I’m not really sure how an addict is supposed to feel in recovery. It seems that the small things in life, like looking up at the stars has been lost. The urgency of drug use has seemed to take control of this part of life.

In my group session yesterday we spoke of getting to know each other in our lesson.  The main question answered in this group was about recovery not being a solo activities. We as addicts need others to help in  our recovery efforts . We were given a personalized worksheet to fill out that had several questions about personal experiences, beliefs, and traditions. I do believe this group was a giant success, because there has been separate days of very low involvement from all in the group. This day all participants seem to unload different stresses that were on their minds. I do certainly feel closer to all that are participating in this group.

One of the questions that really caught my eye, was the role religion, spirituality plays in our lives. When asked this question I for one, that I believe in a higher power, there is a higher power involved in my life. The differences in answers to this question not only prove the different levels of recovery of the participants, but the total different ways of thinking that we all have. I do have specific feelings on faith and how we all approach this faith in our own ways, as we all have our own special way of thinking.

Today seems to be one of those days that I feel I should be further along in my recovery. I know in my head that today’s one of those days I’m going to have to think about slowing down again, as recovery cannot be forced or hurried. I have started a small schedule of my days to help with a small portion of direction in my life. It has helped immensely, and my vocabulary has gotten better thanks to the vocabulary class I’m taking.

I do hope everyone has a nice weekend, I feel kind of empty.

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Friday April 27….what career is that…?

Blue Collar (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

          Today is Friday , and the weekend is upon us once again . I don’t need to use today, and the thought of this is fading fast . Finally the nicotine urges have let up as this feeling I have no comparison for . It’s kinda like the saying goes ( a monkey on your back ) , I wish this feeling on no one .  I am grateful for this wretched feeling to succumb ,  as I can see why some never make it to this point in abstinence.

           I have a genuine interest in writing and believe I always have . I have only recently pursued this as I was brought up to believe men worked in a blue-collar field . I have no one to blame for this , only the way I thought and received information . I have siblings that work in both fields as in white and blue-collar positions .  I think my ego as a man was a crucial factor in my decision making early in my life , and has been up to recent events . I do know thinking back I had a barrage of ego driven aphorisms on what real men are meant to be . I also had interest in things most young boys do , and they seemed to take charge in my early life. The thoughts of being a mechanic on a race team had intoxicated me and the ambiance of this lifestyle had a  certain addictive appeal to a young man.  

           I do think addiction is a life changing experience and career is a huge part of this change. It would seem to me I’m on a quest for education , and looking for my place in this world . I’m not sure where that place is , and at the age of 48 am surprised I haven’t found it yet. I’m always wondering if there are people out there that have the same feelings I do about their choice of lifestyle or career choice late in life. In the days prior to mine , the thing was just not to expose your thoughts on this matter just to suck it up and do it . I’m not sure which way is best , but I couldn’t imagine going through one more day of my being by doing something not satisfying to me both mentally and physically. The recent fights I have had with my life’s addictions have most definitely changed my career path as in no way will I  be satisfied with the employment I have had in the past. The associations of these past career paths  is another severe problem of my complete abstinence , as I’m not sure these associations can be broken for me.

         I do hope all have a blessed weekend ….Thanks for reading

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Thursday April 26…Hmmmm Black and White….huh

Black and White (Photo credit: Jerry Reynolds)

         Today is a day like most, where as I don’t need to use today.  My quest for knowledge has led me to believe my vocabulary skills need to be increased to another level. My search of the internet has been a huge letdown so far , but there has to be something to help , as I just need to find it . I have also started a typing course that’s self paced , that seems to be ok so far .

         Black and white thinking usually involves autistic behavior , but I feel we all have this way of thinking to a certain extent .  We all have certain ways of thinking that isn’t going to be changed by most people, yet in the face of a comprehensive change I have been awakened to certain areas of my own thinking.  Do we default to this way of thinking , as an easier approach to daily events  ?  I think yes we do, as to set a certain time for a child to return or go to bed . We say “were teaching them responsibility” hmmm  ok  it does somewhat teach certain things I suppose. In all reality what I believe we are trying to do is simplify the rules in our own minds. That’s just one example of this way of thinking . There are several others that almost all of us are guilty of , but want to judge others of this way of thinking . 

         We teach our children everyday to think this way. WE give them schedules with exact times , as times are always the same. We tell them rules apply to everyone , there are no exceptions . Our schools teach children there’s one way to do things , as this is usually the way our state sees fit. I guess black and white means things seem clear and fair.

        So if we want people to think differently , why is it we teach the opposite . I have seen and heard people judging others of this way of thinking . I have been condemned for this myself . I feel in my days of schooling this way of thinking was in place for mainly control . Our teachers need a certain amount as we all know but we need to find different ways , as control defaults to black and white thinking. I have along way to go to overcome this affliction, as I know I have lost friendships due to this . I have felt in the past everyone should follow the same rules and no exceptions should be made , this is as black and white as you can get …wow the more I think about this the more I’m guilty . So the next time you want to judge someone of this … stop and think first maybe your just as guilty as they are ..

       Thanks for reading my thoughts …Please comment at will …all are appreciated   I’m Tim …I feel optimistic…

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Wednesday April 25….Public Perception?

Perception (Photo credit: Genna G)

             Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today.  Today is going better than yesterday so far …wow I’m really at a loss for the cause of yesterday as it’s a mystery to me.  The day was pretty much a complete loss in one way as nothing productive came of it , on the other hand I did make it through without drugs or cigarettes . I really didn’t learn anything but that I can make it through these hard times .

             The social phenomenon known as public perception can be seen as the difference between an absolute truth based on facts and a virtual truth shaped by popular opinion, media coverage and/or reputation. Celebrities, politicians and corporations all face the same scrutiny by the public they serve, and it can be very difficult to overcome a negative public perception. While individual companies may strive to do the right things for the right reasons, public perception of the industry as a whole can make those things much more challenging to put into motion.

             The debate over whether addiction is a brain disease or a moral failing is not new to the scientific or medical community. Most would agree that addiction is in fact a brain disease.  However, many are concerned that society continues to unfairly stigmatize those affected, thus rendering them unwilling to seek the treatment they need. Even after years of public statements that drug addiction is a disease, many continue to subscribe to a moralistic view of addiction and to see addicted people as immoral, weak-willed, or as having a character defect requiring punishment or incarceration. This stigma may serve a useful function to the extent that it may discourage some individuals from starting to use these drugs, However stigmatizing any disease keeps some afflicted individuals from getting help for themselves and often prevents family, friends, and employers from acknowledging the existence of a problem and urging a loved one or colleague to seek treatment.The stereotype that drug abusers could change their behavior if they were sufficiently motivated is inconsistent with understanding the complex multiple factors involved in addiction. When policymakers view drug abusers as untreatable or undeserving of public support, treatment programs, insurance coverage, and research and training programs may be underfunded or abolished. I do feel the programs I have been going to are not as driven as they should be…

             I am a believer of this society manufacturing certain problems , and trying to shove them under the rug so to speak when they get out of hand . I don’t know either way if addiction is a brain disease or lack of will, all I know is our doctors seems to prescribe certain drugs knowing our people will be addicted . These drugs are given to freely and this piece of our medical community needs to be revisited. Public perception remains as a negative thing towards drug abuse , as I think we all need to rethink this situation .

             Thanks for your support in MY recovery … I have been sober from drugs for 11 weeks tomorrow , and look forward to many more. I have been free of cigarettes for 7 weeks tomorrow . My name is Tim , I’m a drug addict..but i’m not addicted!!!!

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Tuesday April 24…inanimate…

Age-standardised disability-adjusted life year (DALY) rates from Drug use disorders by country (per 100,000 inhabitants). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

              Today is a new day . I don’t need to use today . The weather here is atrocious , as it’s snowing and raining .  I am having a very confusing day , I know or rather I think I know what I want to do , but scared to put anything in motion due to possible failure . I have failed miserably over and over in my life and can’t take anymore chances .

              Addiction is a terrible thing to have on your mind everyday of your life. I get angry with myself at certain times for the complete waste and failure of my past. There  have been a variety of problems leading to my life’s failures as relationships , emotional problems , drug addiction etc . I now am thinking soberly and looking back on these failures and wonder , why should I even try again . The likelihood of failure in the future is a bigger possibility for a recovering addict than anybody. I am early in recovery and learning new things daily but some days it doesn’t seem to be worth the bother. I am in my late 4o’s and it seems for the remaining time i do have why bother . I don’t think I can hurt any worse than I do now, weather doing drugs or not. It’s a bad day with thoughts of bad things . I’m trying to deal with emotions I can’t handle without help. I feel inanimate …

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Monday April 23…weekends over

               Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today… Our weekend in Springfield Mass has ended , It was a very nice weekend with family and friends. I have been thinking a lot of how things were between my family and I and the difference’s in this weekend . I am coming to certain conclusions of how I must maintain my composure in more demanding situations . Our adventure flying Saturday was an awesome experience , as our young and up coming pilot was very knowledgable and talented . I did notice how unplugged I have been towards most of the younger generation of my family . I learned this weekend some things about this as I really am interested in there lives and dreams .

It has been said to most of us ( just be the bigger person ) , I have been thinking about this a lot here recently. I doubt very much if I have ever been this person , all the time thinking I was . I have been hung up on this subject as most of us worry ( to a certain degree ) about others thinking badly about our lifestyles. I have been striving here lately to concentrate on being this bigger person as this is a big difference for me and I do slip back to my norm of speaking before thinking. I do know as an addict this was always a worry of mine but all the time I was trying to project this person I wasn’t so having to prove my actions came first. Being an addict was full of thoughts of how I could make these addictions seem as they were normal and needed. I was always trying to prove to myself that what I was doing is the normal way of life. The few sober people I did have interaction with probably thought this abnormal as I was looking for reassurance from everyone for my decisions. I will become this bigger person as I am conscious of this more and more.

              I hope all have an awesome day …I feel great

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Sunday April 22 ….so …how do you feel …REALLY..?

Feelings Are Good and Other Lies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

         Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today .  Our flying adventure yesterday was postponed from morning until afternoon due to weather . We did go up at around 2;30 pm to an awesome sky as our group had a great time . Our pilot was my cousin’s son , and he did a superb job as I was certainly impressed with his ability’s .

     Why do we refuse to acknowledge and accept our feelings for each other?  We are taught from a young age that showing feelings is a sign of weakness.  In the grocery store the other day, I overheard a mom tell her son, “Boys don’t cry, suck it up, get control over yourself. Someday, you will become a man.”  It struck me how young we start to teach our children to hide or stuff  feelings under the guise of “self-control,”   It’s not just a “boy” issue…  we teach girls similarly.  “Don’t be such a drama queen!”

Yes..  indeed… in our culture expressing our feelings are rarely encouraged.

MY FEELINGS 

How do we know how we are feeling?  It’s interesting to ask a child..   What is anger?   What is happiness?   What is love?  Their answers always amaze me because it is a complex question.  Mostly they express what these feelings are by how their young bodies react.   For example,

I know I’m angry when my body feels tight all over

I know I’m loved when I get those butterflies flying in my tummy

I know I’m scared when the hair stands up on my arm.

Can you define what you are feeling?

Do you lump all of your feelings into one label?

Jealousy, Disappointment, Frustration, all gets lumped as ANGER or MAD

Happiness, Joy, Pleasure, all gets lumped as LOVE

As adults we become numb or calloused to recognizing our feelings rather good or bad.

I believe we are conditioned to keep them inside hidden from others.

When someone expresses a feeling, rather negative or positive towards you, stop for a minute and think about how much courage it took to really express that feeling, to open up their soul to you.  Remember that for years, they have been conditioned to not share, to keep it locked up inside, to not embarrass themselves, or go out on a limb.

     Why would we want to live in fear rather than bringing problems out in the open ? I ‘m sure it’s because we have to be better than anyone else. …Hmmmm  yes we don’t want others to know our short comings . I have been guilty of this just as much as others have , and we all are guilty of this to a certain extent at one time or another . Human nature I believe is a funny thing , as in my opinion its dependent on several factors as to how we act. On one hand we all want to be sensitive towards others while all the time being tough and not letting people get the best of us . Why is it that status is such a big part of our lives ? Do we truly worry about what we have compared to others ?…. Yes we do.!!!!!!! I often caught myself talking such ridiculous thoughts , as well as hearing others speaking like there better than others. So where does this all end ? It ends here for me !!!!!! I am concentrating on changing my views of myself and others , I refuse to make people think I am something I’m not . I will not associate with people who think and stress to me there someone there not , because when it comes down to it we all know who as we are we just need to be satisfied with it.

        I’m Tim , thanks for taking the time to read my blog … I hope all have a great day, I feel sublime…!!!!!

sta·tus

   [stey-tuhs, stat-uhs]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the position of an individual in relation to another or others,especially in regard to social or professional standing.

 

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Saturday April 21 ….yes it seems some are pros

             Today is a new day , I am not going to use today.  I am excited today , hopefully we will go flying in a little while . My cousin’s son ( who is only hmmmm 19 or so has a pilots licence and yes were going flying if the weather holds . I am with family in Springfield Mass this weekend and my personal anxiety is at a minimum. I’m not sure why this time here is different but I seem more excited than before.

            Something I have been thinking about lately and would like to get off my back is about some people and their need to be a victim of any  situation . I have disconnected myself completely from my situation , moved and gave up everything I owned or knew . Recently I was told by the persons that were guilty of selling my belongings that they need protection from me. Now I am 700 miles away and in no way even thinking of returning there in the near future.  Granted at one time hmmm I was a little disgruntled by these events . Why protection is needed from me is a question only this  amalgamation of stress would know.  I did make the mistake of returning to my past by communicating with one of the followers of this ridiculous assemblage . I was dumbfounded when I seen right through this menagerie of drama to find a motive for a totally different outcome , as these persons refuse to give up their quest for proving themselves trustworthy .  I look back and see that certain  situations were manufactured for the sole purpose of  showing me as an aggressor , while all the time I really wasn’t .  I am thinking in certain people , their need for personal dominance out weighs the need for a normal relationship. I was drawn by these professional victims , and I’m sure these relationships had nowhere to go from the beginning.

            I’m sitting here on a deck , its 7:38 am as I’m drinking coffee while enjoying the songs of all the birds in the neighborhood.  This day has begun so tranquil its a needed change from earlier in the week . I’m astounded at my recovery as my bad days are in no way as bad when this journey started . I feel so at peace here and hope this is a sign of better things to come.

           My name is Tim      email is  17dewaltfan@gmail.com   I look forward to seeing you tomorrow…. Have an awesome weekend.!!

 Please click on link for more info on the professional victim                

                                                   

Friday April 20…

Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today . This week has been fairly tiring as anxiety and emotions have been very active . I do feel positive and know I’m getting stronger as the days go by. I’m looking to the future , for my life’s plan . I’m almost certain I will be going to college this fall , not real sure of the career choice I will make as yet. I’m real excited at the changes that are taking place in me , as my future , still a mystery somehow seems brighter. I am at this moment riding to Springfield Mass, my parents and I will spend a weekend with some family there. I have been here a few times in the past , but I’m more excited this time for some reason. I look forward to visiting and maybe getting out and looking around some . I will be back tomorrow …..hope to see you here.

City Hall, Springfield, Mass, from Robert N. Dennis collection of stereoscopic views (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thursday April 19…..lonely in a crowded room..?

               Today is a new day, I don’t need to use today . I am feeling more at peace than the last week or so, as I am sure the Chantix I was taking for the nicotine  addiction has been playing out its last effects on my body. I do need to say honestly that Chantix also had positive effects on me that were beyond the expectations of nicotine abuse. I do believe it somehow helped me with anxiety or depression  , I know this makes no sense but I do feel differently than before.

               I am dealing so well with the lonely feelings lately, that being alone for me seems to be almost a different norm.  I’ve never dealt with being alone very well in the past which has partly defined my relationships. I have never felt tranquil around most , yet I longed for the socialization of others. This was very confusing for me but I’m learning that loneliness isn’t always bad . I was asked recently if I had a shoulder to cry on , In one sense I do and  in another I don’t . I have family here and other friends that I could talk with and feel somewhat better . The thing that’s missing is the personal contact with the one person meant for me . I know this will come with time , I’m feeling better about this day by day. I do fear the loneliness as when this happens , I tend to cling to the first person I come in contact with , so begins this little game of wondering who to speak with and who to ignore. The further with this I go , usually the bigger the ignore list gets and I go into hibernation. I am really working on the clingy thing and being free of addiction may make this easier to accomplish.

               I see lots of people bury their face in their phone as a way to “hide” in a crowd. I’ve done it. You probably have too , is this good for us ?  Are we that scared of others that we hide ourselves from this multitude of people ? I think I for one am a little scared , even more so now that I’ve come clean to everyone about these addictions . Some people I know are different when speaking directly to me , as when there out of my hearing range . I do try to avoid these people , it seems some are hard to notice until to late. I am resistant to most relationships now due to the frustration of being fraudulent. WE all need the unconditional love that’s desired by all . When this is found , I will be at peace..

              My name is Tim …email is  17dewaltfan@gmail.com   if you would like to send a comment in a more private forum please feel welcome too. I’m feeling excited today as I’m traveling to Massachusetts for the week-end. Hope all have a great day and hope to see you tomorrow…!!!!

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Wednesday April 18…I have to do what…? ohh ok

               Today is a new day, I don’t need to use today. I’m where I need to be right now, as I have had a restless night . I have been consumed by thoughts of independent life , missing things from the past . I need to unplug further of my past memories , and thoughts  as they serve me no purpose in this sober attempt at a new life. I find this kinda aggravating as some of these memories , I was looking forward in retaining . I’m learning more and more  the truth that past has got to be forgotten. I hope these feelings soon become  a thing of the past as they are very debilitating .

submissive - inclined or willing to submit to orders or wishes of others or showing such inclination; “submissive servants”; “a submissive reply”; “replacing troublemakers with more submissive people”

unassertive - inclined to timidity or lack of self-confidence; “a shy unassertive person”

 

obedient - dutifully complying with the commands or instructions of those in authority; “an obedient soldier”; “obedient children”; “a little man obedient to his wife”; “the obedient colonies…are heavily taxed; the refractory remain unburdened”- Edmund Burke

humble - marked by meekness or modesty; not arrogant or prideful; “a humble apology”; “essentially humble…and self-effacing, he achieved the highest formal honors and distinctions”- B.K.Malinowski

subordinate - subject or submissive to authority or the control of another; “a subordinate kingdom”

              The thing I have  been thinking of lately is the things we all do just to appease others. I think in my past I demanded certain behavior from people or persons closest to me. I was in a position in my employment to demand this as well. I think I had a very domineering personality, and wanted submissive behavior under me for satisfaction. One of the main driving factors in my own experience may have been low self-esteem as I needed someone of that nature as I couldn’t control an independent type personality.  I also think a little selfishness was involved in my personality traits as they promoted the dominate behavior further.

….I’m no psychiatrist by any means …lol  kinda self diagnosing through my known experiences. 

             There may have been a time in my relationships that this dominant , submissive  personality actually worked out . I also think some persons just feel comfortable with these personality’s active as long as security is involved . Security , the driving force in some , maybe most people to achieve as we feel at ease after this accomplishment. Are we willing to give up certain liberty’s for security ?To be submissive or just appease someone to make them happy if they supply our security ? I know this to be true because of my past , I’ve seen this with my own eyes and I am sure this behavior is continuing. Some believe that the submissive personality doesn’t have an opinion in the eyes of the dominant , this isn’t true . I do think if a dominant and submissive personality exist and have respect for each other this situation can last for years .  On the other hand when the respect is lost or the satisfaction for either personality evaporates this situation erupts violently and almost expeditiously . These are only my opinions and as I have said …I’m no psychologist.. or Psychiatrist…But I do need to talk with one…

                  I do hope all of you have an awesome day , I’m getting through these days , this blog really helps …I’m Tim ..I feel overextended but learning everyday…

Submissive behavior

http://changingminds.org/techniques/assertiveness/submissive_behavior.htm

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Tuesday April 17 …..Is that unconditional…?

 

An illustration of the unconditional love between a young girl and her dog. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

              Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today.  I have been struggling with things lately , as it seems anxiety has returned for a short time . I wish I could say this was an easy thing to deal with , but it isn’t. I can sometimes feel this addiction next to me , as just like a shadow following me . Its waiting for me to make a mistake, this monster is just in the shadows waiting for me to make a mistake. This is driving anxiety for me , as this may sound dramatic to most , its horrifying to me . It feels anxiety is consuming me yet again and I can’t stop it,  I have been fighting hard the last few days and it’s not letting up.

 

             Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of their actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships.

 

             I think most of us have experienced conditional love , or help that has conditions set for a reward in  return. For example a bank loan , you borrow their money and pay interest for using it. Conditional love is no different, as we tend to show love towards someone with the condition they do what we say or give us something in return. When we were growing up or even raising our own children we instill the thoughts of conditional love . When we were clean and followed our parents wishes we were good , as when were bad it someone else’s eyes we were scolded and the love vanished . So there we have another double-edged sword ? On one hand we need to teach values to our children , but at what expense .  I believe that selfish and controlling actions are also  accompanied by this as I have first-rate experience with this. Why do we need a return for our personal investments , this has really interested me as of late. The word ” if ” is the determining factor in this equation , as it defines conditional to unconditional.  The relationships today end early due to these conditions in my opinion, as most are ridiculous to begin with.  We all know the most popular , as being money , if your rich it seems love is easier to find. I was also a transgressor of conditional love , I had my own conditions as I look back on my most recent relationships and now wonder what was the actual driving factor .  This affliction is at sometimes  immeasurable levels and I need to find a way to change this behavior but it’s very hard to do . I need to remain in counseling for this , and maybe even take this to the next level of a psychiatrist .

                        I have a long way to go and patients will be needed as this is another hard thing for me. Generally speaking I feel ponderous or cumbersome here lately , I hope all have an awesome day..

 

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Monday April 16…nothing like family..!

Today is a great day , my sister’s here from mass . We haven’t seen each other for some time so I’m gonna spend time with her and will be back tomorrow..Hope all have a great day..!!

Sunday April 15 …Aprils half over..?

           The month of April has gone by fast for me …It seems time is starting to fly by. This is something I think we all feel from time to time , or the older we get time seems to pick up the pace . This kinda bothers me as my direction isn’t quite set. I’m not the kind of person to just goes through life with no idea or direction and hope for the best. This may be needed for me , to just let down my guard for a while and experience total spontaneous life . To roll with the punches, it’s truly something I have trouble doing as I seem to need at least a minimum of direction. As for the month of April goes I had it in my head that this recovery would be over and my life would be back on course. I’m not even close to the end of this recreation if you will. I do worry about time , but really need to just live for a while and see where it takes me.

          This recovery has no time limit , I also think this is the main reason others fail. We as addicts , even if we recognize we have this problem and want to abstain from abuse , we all have recurring feelings that our lives will just start-up again. I still find myself thinking  ( well my programs done in 8 weeks and I’m done ) I’ll just start my life where   I left off… hmm that’s not the way it can be if I want to continue being drug free. I have to Incorporate the program into my life and keep following certain rules of recovery. I do know it will get even easier than it is now , but this also scares me in a way that I will get to comfortable with my addictions and relapse. It’s kind of a double edge sword , you have to be strong enough to have the thoughts of drug abuse on your mind to a certain extent just to make sure you don’t relapse , and don’t relapse while their on your mind as this is also a vicious circle .

            This blog is such an awesome tool for me , I hope this doesn’t sound negative as it’s actually doing me great things . I haven’t been this positive with my life in a long time . It’s Sunday and life is getting better for me , as my life is taking some direction , as not worrying about specific things .. Just roll with it for a while and see what it has to bring. My sister is coming today for a visit , we will have a nice time I’m sure.

               Aprilis half over , my new life’s just began … My name is Tim , I’m a recovering addict and I’m the vanquisher of this addiction. Everyone I feel confident.. have a nice day .

Tweaking Memories could prevent relapse

http://drugstoresource.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/tweaking-memories-could-help-addicts-avoid-relapsing-bbc-news/

Original article from BBC news

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17689645

Substance-abuse (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Saturday April 14 ….

               Today is as nice of a day as it gets in upstate New York at this time of year. I love this time of year,  as I am finding different specific things to appreciate . One thing I have missed is the genuine quiet, you really don’t appreciate the quiet until its gone. There seems to be a simplicity of life here comparable to city living , as probably just a lack of options to take up your time. This is also a missed quality that most people don’t care for as there out blazing a trail , maybe even trying to be someone there not.

                      The addictions I have had taken me to places mentally, I didn’t even know were taking place until it was late. I was to busy in my mind trying to prove to others the person I wasn’t and lost touch with the person I was. I couldn’t see this , but I think that,s the definition of denial partially. I’m not sure but as friendships go i do think we as addicts aren’t trying to find friends when we first decide to abstain . I know I was afraid of people , how they were going to act , how I was going to be treated by them . I was still trying to defend my actions as an addict , maybe even reason for which I was using , trying to validate my addiction still.

                       I was speaking with a friend last night , I was saying that when I made the decision to make this life change, I knew I wouldn’t ever do another drug in my life. I can’t explain this as it’s just a feeling I have deep inside that hasn’t lost strength . I also have things coming to the surface , as conscious changes that I knew were going to take place when this decision was made. It’s as if the things I wanted to happen are beginning to happen as things seem to taking a direction.  It’s very exciting to feel these changes, as speaking to this friend felt great. Unconditional friendship is an awesome thing that is lost in most people , as these are the friendships I speak of and think we all long for.

                     I have the feeling of optimism more often now , as i think in the past I was a pessimist a large percentage of the time. The positive support and thinking I have been trying to incorporate into the daily routine has been paying off for me. I am a firm believer of the positive surroundings and attitude as this is the key for me to continue a productive life.

                    I wish to thank all for reading my thoughts and please believe me when I say all comments help me , So please feel free to comment . If you wish to contact me in a more private forum my email is 17dewaltfan@gmail.com  I await your comments . Have a great weekend!!!

                  Remember this movie …It was funny  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083033/

Friday April 13 ……Friday the 13th…

Today I have a one on one meeting with my primary counselor  as well as a group meeting that follows. I’m not to sure the help I’m getting from the meetings I’m having here but I think I will complete this program just for the sake of not quitting. The information they share is of quality that could be found anywhere online . The recent video shown was from a BBC special . Now please I’m not complaining , I just thought for a program of this caliber the information and delivery would be a little different.

The one thing that’s really bothering me lately is lack of friendship/companionship , not to be confused with an intimate relationship. Just growing socially without the association with drugs seems to be a harder pursuit than expected. I was always one to make friends easily , more easily than most as I could adapt to most situations without fear. Looking back at some of these situations of friendship , I see that probably half of these so-called friends never were true friendships at all even from the beginning. The loneliness and boredom are a very bad combination for persons in my situation , at least for me it is. That’s when my thoughts take over and pull out all stops to cure boredom as we all know the easiest way to do that. I am thinking about going to college , but don’t think the friend thing will be much better there as I’m sure there will be some my age but most are somewhat younger. That kinda bothers me too, blending in is going to be a lot harder for someone my age rather than teens straight from high school.  It could be I’m afraid to make friendships as I’ve lost almost everyone that I had due to drug problems or something stemming from addiction. I have lost many friendships that could have survived without the addictions that I had , but were they worth keeping ..?

I have felt in the recent past the lack of ground I was gaining , not for fighting addiction but just life in general . I guess this is just a rut that we all get into…? I,m not to good with ruts because I would be searching for relief before this would happen . I wish this program was more involved with the problems that lead to addiction rather than the education on how drugs influence the brain.  I do have interest in this area as well, but understanding peer pressure and other triggers in my opinion would help in abundance . The reading I’m doing is beginning to be repetitive , as the opinions are all pointing in the same direction. It’s a sunny day here , as the mood is rising for the nice spring weather. I hope you all have a great weekend , get out and try to enjoy this weather , as that’s what I’m going to do..try anyway!!

Everyone I feel good…

Thursday April 12…

Today is a better day than yesterday , for me it seems the days are staying average . I do have a single question to ask , why would people or persons deliberately want to bring harm to someone already struggling or hurting ? I am seeing this very clearly now due to my sobriety , and I’m in shock because of these selfish acts. The social insecurity’s I have seen presently are so  unsophisticated their elementary . The thing I want most out of recovery is happiness and peace , I’m not sure why certain persons would want the chaos to remain in my life, as just the act of me blogging about this subject has me losing to them. I know I am the only one that gives them power over me and it ends today, so please if your reading this and your laughing  building up your ego or thinking your better,  well you win….I give up!!!

Just so all of you know …I am a drug addict, I have no job, I basically have nothing … when I say nothing… I mean absolutely nothing. I am in recovery , I do have friends and family I’m aware of on my side , I’m asking to the rest please leave me be …There are reasons I’m doing what I’m doing ok…if you don’t know why maybe that’s because you’re the problem or a big part of it. I am finally finding happiness for my self and I’m not willing to give that up for anyone.

I also will not lie anymore for anyone…so if you looking this way to clear your conscience , save it . Things of the past are over and forgotten…I am holding on to some good memory’s , the rest is gone. I’m not going to relive anything from the past again as its lost forever..! Again please …no need to comment on this post as I am mostly venting out these old feelings , I’m confused on certain occasions as how to continue my recovery…

Thanks for the support …

Wednesday April 11…who are we really..?

Wednesday April 11…who are we really..?.

Wednesday April 11…who are we really..?

THINK (Photo credit: Erik Eckel)

Today is another rainy gloomy cold day, as it fits the mood being shared by my mind and body. This fight I’m currently in , is at the very least depressing at times as even with the friends and family I have around me this  loneliness invades me still. I sit alone wondering why I’m still here, there have been a few occasions my light could have ended as  I am now fighting to remain positive so as not to revert to the old way of thinking. These days are still very much apart of my life as the flood of emotion has returned this morning.  My health is very much on my mind and probably the reasons for these feelings I’m dealing with now.

I wonder at times why I’m here , what is my purpose ? I know this is a pretty complicated thought ..lol..probably something I for one shouldn’t be thinking of at this time. I have had some wonderful people put in my path at different times in my past , as the past wasn’t all bad for me. These people have taught me certain things and partly have defined me as a person . I wonder because of the addictions I had , did I miss my true calling ? Did I miss the place I was meant to be ? I do believe to a certain point that things happen for a reason, but could it be that just ONE TIME I made the mistake and lost something truly meant for me ? Then on the other hand maybe that’s why I’m still here , because I haven’t found the true reason for my being here. These are a few thoughts that ravage my mind from time to time. I have been told to let the past go , to begin a new life and start over . This is a lot more difficult than anyone can imagine ,really think about this for a minute and tell me this is  capable of happening . With all that said I do know in my mind I will begin again , I will rebuild my life without the use of drugs and I will excel at what I do. At the same time I also know parts of my past will still be a big part of me as there memory’s wash over me like the sun on a warm day. Please don’t feel compelled to comment on this post as I have spoken about this in the past and I’m mainly just venting feelings I have . The most positive thing about this morning is I’m dealing with this situation better than I ever have , without the thought of drug use and even better than that , no urges to smoke a cigarette..!!!

Most of the associations of smoking cigs have been broken as a few do still remain. The biggest is anxiety , as that feeling is so strong at times it feels nothing will prevail. The other big one , believe it or not is being active as in working on a project . I have finished a few projects and urges to smoke were very strong at times .  I do think the worst of these cravings are behind me , as the days are getting a lot easier. I am so blessed as to being strong enough to end this affliction unlike me in the past or others I pray for and hope find the same strength. 

The class I had Monday evening was 100 percent better than any to this point , the only thing wrong was there wasn’t enough time to truly go over this material as I am continuing this research on my own. The topic was drugs and the chemicals they produce and how brain receptors are blocked or absorb these chemicals. This is very interesting to me as the rest of the class as a whole were looking at the clock for dismissal. I’m not real sure how it’s going to go over but I have a list of questions I’m returning with next Monday !!

 I’m not sure but drug addiction really interests me as the whys and reason for to the ways of recovery and reform. I may have found my reason for being here. I think I would really enjoy helping others with this affliction as I am really in tune to the mind of the addicted.

 This is by far not my best day , but I do feel good has come out of this as  I have no need to use today,  I do hope all are at peace and have a wonderful day . I’m a recovering addict , you can bet I’m ok and getting stronger by the day. Hope to see all tomorrow…

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Tuesday April 10….

Today was a very interesting day , as I awoke to severe pain and shortness of breath. I was on my way to ER at 5:00 am wondering what was in store for me now..! The absence of drugs from my system seem very chaotic as I am feeling different kinds of pain never felt before or not to the extreme I am now. This morning was an awakening for me in certain ways as I am becoming aware of the real problems that arise from extended drug abuse and cigarette smoking. 

I really don’t feel well so I’m going to close with a re-post another blog entry from Spilled Cookies , It seems to be a lost art nowadays as we don’t write like we did . I am just becoming very interested in writing and I agree with Cherry ….I say write..!

To Write or Not To Write?

http://spilledcookies.com/2012/04/09/to-write-or-not-to-write/

ER (TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Please visit this blog and enjoy….

 

 

A Blogging award….?

It seems I have been awarded the versatile Bloggers award…. I am fairly new here so I will do the best I can , I do appreciate the mention from spilled cookies as this is my favorite blog on this site…!! Thank you Cherry….!! Now it seems I have a few things to do…

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.

•  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
•  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
•  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
•  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.

•  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

  I notice in the rules I have to pass it on to 15 other bloggers.

  I don’t have 15 

  blogs that I am currently following but will list what I can…

  1 ) In My Opinion…

  2) 400 Days ’til 40

  3)The Greatest of These is Love

  4)Day in the life of a Busy Gal…

  5)maggiemaeijustsaythis

  I will add more as I find them …

  Ok 7 things about myself:

  1) recovering addict..

  2) I have many tattoos… 

  3) I am unemployed at this moment..

  4) I want to write a book…

  5)  I like horror movies ..( the dumber the better)

   6) I like to do woodworking…

  7) I’m not sure why I put these dots after what I say….(see I did it again )

  
  

   

Monday April 9…….do you remember..?

digital dream society (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is a new day , I don’t need to use today. I’m thinking of not opening the blog with this statement any more, as It’s so repetitive and a little boring to me. The things I was told to do by certain authority figures for recovery is starting to sound very unprofessional. I feel the thinking fer recovery situations needs to be more personal and regulated closer than the current that I’m experiencing .

Do you remember when you were growing up ? Do you remember the dreams you had of the future as most girls dream of marriage , or the girls I’ve spoke with anyway. Most boys wanna be a fireman or policeman  ?  It’s a funny thing that I can’t remember any future dreams of mine . This kinda bothers me , as I think back and all I can recall is the quest for approval from not only parents but friends as well. The early years of mine in the armed forces was no different, as we the protectors of freedom , were not only still kids, most of us were there for someone else.I don’t wish this blog to be negative , it’s just fears of my life in the past , as without change I will not change in the future .This approval we all seek from others I feel  is usually never found only because of our own thoughts of achievement . I do believe the worry of achievement starts to change the way we think , as I have gotten hard up for approval and in the end manufactured a scenario just for this purpose. I thought without this approval i was just spinning wheels so to say and life was all for nothing . The only dream or accomplishment I ever wanted that I can remember is writing a book , as that dream was short-lived with the constant sounds of who I was , just an average person in a blue-collar world.

I’m not going to return to the past much anymore , as I’m restructuring the ways of life for my future. I have settled for certain things in the approval quest , as this will not happen again . I will strive for personal happiness first , then share with another willing to share with me . The future holds something special for all of us that are willing to strive in our achievements , rather than settle for acceptance from others. We first need to accept our own short comings and build upon them. I have seen so many people just idling through this world , as I once did, but that stops now for me . I have a reason for being here and I for one … am going to find it!!!

Today Is a rainy , gloomy day in northern New York . I have a class at 4:30 pm , going with the hopes of learning . I am an addict in my own recovery, as a person recovery is the only way to beat this addiction monster. Thanks to the army I have in back of me this will be my finest success. People I feel fabulous… Have a great day..

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Sunday April 8…Easter day…

Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglican Church http://www.stjohnsashfield.org.au, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus' description of himself "I am the Good Shepherd" (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: "To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs." (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is a new day , Its Easter day , a beautiful and sunny day here . I don’t need to use today . It is Easter day , as we are celebrating the resurrection of Christ . Christian or not we all need to realize a higher power in our live’s . I’m  really into this day as a reborn person with new goals and a refreshed outlook on my life. Common elements found in most Roman Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, and Protestant religious Easter celebrations include baptisms, the Eucharist, feasting, and greetings of “Christ is risen!” and “He is risen indeed!”

I as a child  always associated Easter with the end of winter, growing up in upstate New York we always had snow up till then most years. Its was always a hard stretch to wait till Easter to take certain Christmas gifts , like a new bike outside for the first time to enjoy. We as kids couldn’t wait until church was over for the enjoyment we found for the spring weather and enjoyment of these gifts . I think most of us had the indulgence of a visit from the Easter  bunny as well as hiding brightly colored eggs usually colored the night before. When we were children we didn’t think why Easter was celebrated as we were all energized by the nicer weather and abundance of candy bunny’s .

Easter is also a celebration of spring , of new growth and fertility . I do hope you all get out enjoy your spring weather and hide an egg. I will for the first time in years actually enjoy this day with family. My name is Tim .. I’m a recovering addict and I feel the faith , Enjoy your Easter and thanks for the support…!!!

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Saturday April 7…

Today is a new and beautiful day, I don’t need to use today. I’m getting a lot of sense’s I’ve lost back to normal , as normal is. I am realizing things I had no idea I was doing , just out of pure repetition it seemed to just happen.

I can remember back , the mistakes I’ve made and they seem like mountains at times , as I am slowly learning to deal with these one by one. One of the blogs I follow hit hard with me today as the author was talking about the name she had picked for her blog . The name is The Philosophy of Spilled Cookies..http://spilledcookies.com/2012/04/07/the-philosophy-of-spilled-cookies/   Please check this blog out … Anyway she talked of spilled cookies and how not to worry about such things. This is one of the things I have been working on in my own self . I do have a big problem with worry and thinking the worse of things , I am dealing with this better but need input as to dealing with this day-to-day. I have been more conscious of my actions but seem to slip a lot , as staying conscious to my  thoughts and actions is difficult . I need to break these associations I have with negative thought , but I sure am struggling with this. 

I was doing a small job yesterday for a friend as I noticed my skill to problem solve has elevated to a level I had acquired some time ago, as addict decreased this almost without warning. I see the difference now that had taken place, and it just amazes me the changes that had taken place within me. The decision-making ability’s alone that suffered is staggering now that my present situation has changed. I feel the betterment of my education is a definite possibility for me now , as I am going to take advantage of if possible.

I have slowed my pace down again as I have caught myself thinking to far into the future. I so want life back, I want my life back into some  sort of organization . This will come for me I do know , sometimes I just think more about it than others. I hope that all enjoys their Easter holiday … I feel great…have a great day..!

Reblogged from LAURH: Project Life:

Like a stone….

Awesome song please give it a

chance…..lol

Friday April 6…springs coming…so stop your cryin

Today is a new day, I don’t need to use today. Spring is on the way ,everything is getting a new chance . I have mixed feelings on this subject…as I am starting over again by choice but a very hard choice. I am fully aware now that a full make over of my life is essential for my success. These thoughts have me feeling really down and questioning whether I want to continue this task. It takes all I have some days to keep going , even with the friends and family that continue 

A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: Wikipedia) pain either, as we all have felt some sort of that pain. Emotional pain , whether caused by others or ourselves ,pain so enormous there's no holding back..Please think about this very carefully . There's really an easy answer here , that's compassion and feeling for others not so fortunate as we are.

their support unconditionally. Please in  no way am i ever going to stop this fight for sobriety and happiness , it’s just how I feel sometimes and it gets very hard and confusing.

The way we as a society think about some things is very confusing. When someone cries we get all uptight and try to get them to stop. I wonder is this because we want these persons to feel better? …or are we so insecure it makes us uncomfortable to see this happen. I know in my experience its the insecurity of those that want the crying to end. Can someone tell me any feelings on this subject…?  How do you really feel when you see someone in enough pain to cry..? 

 When a lot of us were children our parents or guardians were in the same way as we are now. Have you ever heard a parent tell you or a friend to stop that crying….Ill give you something to cry about . Hmmmm so maybe we are, as a society somewhat trained as kids to be insecure?  I wonder has anybody else questioned these things or is it just me …. don’t rock the boat..? if its broken and no one cares just don’t worry about it…! is that it…or if its good enough for me when I was brought up its good enough for them..hmmm that’s it…!!!! I do think some things have changed , as change needs to come a little quicker. We are to worried about other things to care for the more simple cures of a society that’s hurting.

Well I’m gonna say I have cried like a baby several times in the last 

Biting one's lip can be a physical manifestation of worry. Español: Morderse los labios puede ser una manifestación exter

few weeks , some telling me that’s more of a man than most. I was brought up with the sayings real men don’t cry… wow so in the end I’m the only one I need to worry about , as  I did put stock in these traditions and lore …but after it’s all said and done I’m the one who is liable for my happiness so I’m going to do what I have to for the achievement of this goal.

I’m Tim , I am an addict… sober and searching for happiness….. I feel accomplished….. Thanks for reading , see you tomorrow!!!!

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Check out this article on crying :

Cry Me A River: The Psychology Of Crying

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/12/081217123831.htm

Thursday April 5….so how do humans act anyway…?

Today is a new day..I don’t need to use today ..as today marks two months free from drugs , one month free from smoking cigarettes. One thing I have come aware of is, in the past I had the need to hide from certain things.

 I always told people , I do what I want when I want  but in fact didn’t . I fell to the clutches of peer pressure as bad or worse than others. I can remember wanting persons to  like me for what I had or what I could  get for them . It’s very disturbing thinking back to this in the manner of thought I have now.

I have recently been thinking of how I have acted in certain situations, how would I act now in these same situations. Do people really care enough to cry when they miss someone or when they are gone for an extended time. I wonder is it really joyful for someone to show up , just for a visit out of nowhere. I know I am in store for more feelings showing up at unwanted times , this sends me reeling in panic at times.The not knowing when these feelings are going to show is the worse thing I think I feel.

I have been sleeping better in the recent nights, however dreams have returned with this slumber. I wish some of these dreams wouldn’t have returned , however I do believe I can handle them. I do all in all feel progress and excitedly await more. I have posted some info on sleep and  positive memories , pretty interesting stuff. I’m Tim I am an addict and I am two months sober , I feel prodigious… Thanks for the support..!

ACCENTUATING THE POSITIVE MEMORIES FOR SLEEP

Posted by talkingmonkeynews on 04/04/2012

Posted in: Health, Life. Tagged: Insomnia, post traumatic stress, post traumatic stress disorder, RESEARCH,SCIENCE, SLEEP, traumatic stress disorder, treatment of post traumatic stress disorder, university of notre dame,wakefulness. Leave a Comment

Sleep plays a powerful role in preserving our memories. But while recent research shows that wakefulness may cloud memories of negative or traumatic events, a new study has found that wakefulness also degrades positive memories. Sleep, it seems, protects positive memories just as it does negative ones, and that has important implications for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder.

“The study of how sleep helps us remember and process emotional information is still young,” says Alexis

DSC02096 (Photo credit: worksmarts)

Chambers of the University of Notre Dame. Past work has focused on the role of negative memories for sleep, in particular how insomnia is a healthy biological response for people to reduce negative memories and emotions associated with a traumatic event.

Two new studies presented this week at a meeting of cognitive neuroscientists in Chicago are exploring the flip side: how sleep treats the positive. “Only if we investigate all the possibilities within this field will we ever fully understand the processes underlying our sleep, memory, and emotions,” Chambers says.

Protecting the positive  http://scienceblog.com/53076/accentuating-the-positive-memories-for-sleep/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+scienceblogrssfeed+%28ScienceBlog.com%29&utm_content=Google+Reader    Read the full article…..

How Do We Fall Asleep?

http://www.livescience.com/19462-fall-asleep.html

Wednesday April 4 ….hmmmmm

anxiety (Photo credit: FlickrJunkie)

How do you like Wednesday? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today . I’m getting through this last bout of terrible feelings I’ve had ,and feel somewhat better. The rush of panic has left me to say the least exhausted as I’m going to post a few calming pics and take a break. Thanks for the support everyone I’m feeling optimistic. 

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Anxiety Attacks and Anxiety Disorders

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_types_symptoms_treatment.htm

Please visit link for more info ……

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Tuesday April 3….roller coaster rides..or feelings..

Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today. Yesterday was the second time going to the class portion of my recovery program. The subject for this class again being alcoholism and the effects on

 family members. This class probably isn’t designed for me but I will take away what helps me and leave the rest. I do participate as much as possible and more than other members in this group. 

This roller coaster of feelings has got to be the most exhausting part of recovery, as I can see why curtain people fail. This addiction monster is a very sneaky thing, as it uses your own mind , memory’s , needs and wants against you. The last few days have been very stressful due to feelings coming from the past , as I am having trouble fighting them off. It is getting better finally but wow what a ride I have been on. 

The things I want to do , I cant seem to get going as the future is not in view.  I would like to plan for a couple of things a little down the road but it may be a waste as I’m not sure whats there for me. It’s very aggravating at times , as this fuels anxiety by itself . I’m not really sure if I could plan to  visit somebody two months away, as maybe I wouldn’t be able to attend. It’s this anxiety that also fuels the addiction monsters vicious appetite for destruction. It’s so easy to lose hope for some too easy , as for me I have people who care and love me , that I may call for support. I feel good……

Please click on link below to continue with the article It’s very informative..!

The Surprising Truth About Addiction

More people quit addictions than maintain them, and they do so on their own. People succeed when they recognize that the addiction interferes with something they value—and when they develop the confidence that they can change.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200405/the-surprising-truth-about-addiction

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Definitions

• Drug Roller Coaster…
  

  A cycle of using amphetamines or caffeine to feel more awake after a night of drinking, then later using alcohol to feel tired and go back to bed at night, then popping uppers in the morning again, etc etc etc. Dangerous due to the countering effects on the heart and bra

Monday April 2….future looks bright …?

Today is a new day, it’s a sunny cool day, I don’t need to use today. Today I woke with feelings of my past, anxious feelings that tell me to move on. This is very upsetting and very hard to explain, as most have a life plan into effect. These feelings are very malicious , as they are mood altering and attitude changing feelings. I am struggling with thoughts of future events , as the future doesn’t exist for me yet. The dreams I once had are all stifled because of my thoughts being unable to stretch past a week or two. It seems a joke to some people for totally ruining others lives , however if you’ve been through this on the losing end there’s nothing funny about it . I have had a lot of advise  to just put this behind me  and don’t worry about it . This advise seems great if your saying it , but no so much if your hearing it. Some things are very difficult to get over , losing everything is one of them . I do however hope this never happens to anyone , as if it does then and only then will you feel as I feel and know what I know. I don’t have these feelings very often anymore , but I’m sure there not over with completely. It makes for a bad morning , as I know everyone has these mornings  whether in my situation or not . I’m in no way saying my brand of worry and stress is any worse than others , but different in ways that’s not understood by all. I have many telling me “your futures bright” hmmmm it’s hard for me to take this comment to heart as my future in my mind doesn’t exist . So please answer this question … I have heard from most not to look to the future .. to take this one day at a time . I have done this and when this seems comfortable … lol the same say ohhh your futures bright ….Really ! wow ok …so where do we go from here , Do you see this confusion that I feel..! I’m Tim ..I’m an addict. I feel confused… have a great day …!

A few articles for fun…

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Sunday April 1 …..

Today’s a new day , I don’t need to use today . I’m thinking more and more of trust and its lacking in recovery. The hardest and most important part of recovery is trust issues on both , addict and

innocent family members . I’m in a hard spot when it comes to this , I think about it daily and it’s my main worry. The lack of trust in my opinion slows down recovery for both, as the addict a lot of times throws the recovery away because of this. This is an awful situation , as in I know by my experiences that trust is hard to feel from others unless talked about.  Another problem I have found is unfounded trust or pride , a lot of times we as the addicts are some what “told what we want to hear ” even if congrats aren’t necessary. This shows the addicted that real concern doesn’t exist. I feel some need to just  do one of two things , either get involved with the recovery or just stay positive with limited comment on the recovery . Please don’t get me wrong we need all people helping as we heal , we just don’t want unfounded credit for things we haven’t done yet. I probably missed what I was trying to say as this is very hard to explain . I guess people who comment unfounded statements do more damage than good in my view , as were the ones getting educated on these subjects . I know the trust is hard to give in these situations …but to truly help a recovery such as mine , it needs trust , commitment , positive feedback on true goals , positive attitudes all around . The trust seems to be the hardest to get from some , all I know is I for one hope it comes in time. The lack of listening is another thing I have found as a real bring down , as i have brought this up before . It’s really aggravating to say the same thing over and over and you just know someones not paying attention to you.  Please have a great week …I’m Tim I am an addict ..I’m not addicted anymore ..I feel fantastic and am looking forward to this week ..