silence invades , my shadow is lost
with stale feelings imagination is gone
staring into a malodorous future
preparing for life , becoming withdrawn
with all played out and nothing left
contemplation’s turn to separation
imminent speculations being deft
all necessary for my salvation
with all of the essence
she enters the room
like fresh roses in bloom
chants are all fluid
as soothing to my ear
thoughts of her in past
always brings a tear
Dark, She is the mind of yours.
Icy chill of thought becomes
A steely shimmer.
Behold a glimmer in the black -
A flash of grey, that even glows
In show against the hallowed dark of you.
And that is why you scream in jarring tones
‘I have no heart for joy!
My white and brittle bones have died’
You cried in dark and fractured moans.
So now the Queen of Black you writhe,
Whence from dark of shade
That honed an evil form afar
In curse of me you bade
‘I, the wave shall rape the shore!
Violence will there be in glares I’ll throw
At all who prey, and more:
A dark and fetid sea I’ll bleed.
And now, the bitter tinge
And bleak of waste
That eyed the death of once your soul
Will be here forever!
Indeed you tell:
‘The cramping pain is here!
Eternal spasm, infinite chasm,
The Devil’s chaplain plays!
We’ll climax in a tortured glee
As all my love decays.’
I’m hitting a real rough patch lately , being consumed by total silence and loneliness ….I have so many problems in the social world. I seem to be having trouble finding a place in this world . I sometimes feel I have done all I am going to in this life and have nowhere to turn, it’s ridiculous because of the support I have in place but still I feel this way.
Some of the friendships I have seem to be in place only because of the situation I’m in , I feel if things being different , my social life would also be different. I also may be over thinking some things . I still see how some people act towards me and I see them in other situations as they are totally different towards others. True friendship is a great thing and as of now I feel alone in my journey onward.
I truly need a direction to turn in ,to just put all I have towards it , and get past these feelings of destitution and despair . While a lot of people say it’s ok to be lonely ……It sure doesn’t feel good sometimes.
The silence is calming to most every night
for me it is loaded with fear and some fright
sitting here thinking till my ears ring aloud
my mind floats a drift like an unsinkable cloud
instances of planning , yes that’s what I’ll do
only to have , the plans all fall through
thinking about you never has end
maybe my heart is on the mend
A woman thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
- Positive Thinking (bipolarmuse.com)
- Stop thinking for just one moment (deesfitness.co.uk)
- Beyond Thinking… (arganesh3.wordpress.com)
The days seem to go by in clumps …nothing changing …..I think I’m some kind of a test …I am however learning about people . I could remember a few short months ago when I would be afraid to be alone …..hmmmm now I think in a lot of cases I would rather be alone …
I’m constantly thinking of this idea of drug abuse being a disease than free will…..If anyone is interested please read this article… rathttp://www.thefix.com/content/losing-my-affliction-gambling-addiction-disease70017her
I am very confused….
Here I sit ….concentration lost ….bored with recovery …but still I push forward. Christmas in the near future , everyone asks …” isn’t it hard to be in recovery at this time , you know during the holidays” . My answer you know …..it’s hard to be in recovery on Wednesday …lol I don’t need a holiday for this to be hard. Everything this year has been a first …maybe I’m bored with things being a first….? I want to be happy ….so far I’m not …..Things stay the same … Maybe the fear of change is holding me up. I need to seek out god and push forward….
never wanted to be alone
light from the eye’s always shone
body’s spelling love front to rear
In a loving voice it softly appears
interference’s from others break ,
innocent hearts , like a retake .
jealousy never has a place ,
when love is such a true embrace
Today I have remembered my journey from almost 10 months ago….I am thankful for all of the people in my life, I have and continue this struggle to happiness. It has been getting somewhat harder here recently but well worth the end result. I have prayed for this to end , as I know one day it will .
My writing has suffered because of recent feelings and struggles , but I think the corner has been turned and continuing forward i go. I have so many good ideas for story’s , I can’t wait to get busy writing. I have been made co editor of 20 lines and have a few ideas for the future of this awesome blog.
So I would like to say thanks to all of you , and I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving . remember to be thankful to those you have close to your hearts….God bless you all……Tim
I’m here and here I am …..Today as always I don’t need to use today ( it’s now been almost 10 months clean and 9 without cigarettes ) . I have been confronted with several problems lately …. the biggest is boredom . Thats right I am now bored with the recovery I’m in. The total lack of a social life is bearing pressure on my mind. Like anyone else …I need a social life….the fear of relapse is turning into a problem …the time has come to confront my fear .
My life feels like I’m waiting for something to happen , all I do is sit and wait…It’s time to get up and go get it …
Awesome news ….I have been made co editor of the 20 lines a day blog so most of my posting will be done there….Please all of you check out this blog and please follow us …maybe even join with us …Thanks for all your support…Tim
I continue to see new truths in my journey, I know now I was being blinded by drug addiction . My decision-making ability’s are stronger than ever , I know whats good for my life . My life as a whole has been changed , however parts of my being will forever be lost . The true innocence of first love for instance is for ever clouded by my past wants . This is just one example of many thoughts I struggle to get by everyday .
I have seen and heard many recovering addicts , as well as non addicts preach their personal recipe for successful recovery . I have many reservations on this subject , as I know I will win this battle of wills . I have made this decision , I have come to peace with my self , I have become truly honest with myself about both past and present events in my life . I am happy with all I have done and become in the last few months , as well as my near future plans .
My name …..? My name is Tim Doiron , I answer to timzauto…if you haven’t seen me in the last month , YOU DON”T KNOW ME . I have changed . Thanks to all in my personal army , we are winning this fight . Have a awesome week…. I feel great
TIMZAUTO ♦ SEPTEMBER 5, 2012 ♦ 16 COMMENTS
Hello to everyone …. It has now been seven months drug free , six months without smoking cigarettes . I wish I could tell you I’ve done this standing on my head , however it has been rather testy at times to say the least . I have returned from a family reunion in Ma , Lake George in Wales to be precise . Everyone had a very good time , including myself . I am finding that I truly am not so indifferent to others , particularly with certain issues of stresses or worries. I have been very anxious in the past , almost to the point of panic when gathering around my family . Mostly due to successes and failures in life ( meaning I have the failures and they have the successes. I was amazed what I seen this past weekend , Maybe being sober and watching everyone else let me see truths that I haven’t seen before. There were several worries and stress driven emotions much worse than I feel at this time . I am truly happy with whom I am , maybe for the first time in my life , more so than most .
I have taken a small break from writing and the internet in general , mainly to search for a balance to incorporate in to my life for relapse prevention. I fully intend on following this to the end of my being . This balance is ( in my mind ) the most important part of my recovery . It will sustain me for future relapse , as well as keeping me happy in a secure and loving relationship. I do have trouble with this balance , it’s just so easy to get my mind in-tangled in things that have no values to me or my future. Also the black and white thinking is another dangerous thing , which I am getting some what better at ( it’s a hard habit to break) . There are a couple of people in my family that really surprised me this past week , as well as a couple i think about on a daily basis. My mom seemed very happy this weekend , happier than I’ve seen in some time.
I have missed many people online as well , I want to say thanks to all that have contacted me interested in my well-being , this also has touched me . Everyone I am feeling happy , and I am happy who I am ….timzauto
Now for the winner of this weeks challenge ….
This entry by Nizy at http://nackynice.wordpress.com/ Thanks Nizy for this gorgeous photo..
Day 26 (Photo credit: Troggle1706)
Today , July 26th 2012 , I am deep into recovery for several prescription and illegal drug addictions . I feel differently day by day, I have so much hope and will to succeed on one day , only to diminish to loss of concentration and focus on the next. I need to start thinking of longer term goals , as I have already extended goals of this sort. I have been here ( in recovery) for months now , and still feel as if I could relapse at any moment . I guess this is why most turn back to drugs , the feelings I have are overwhelming at times . I have said before , most people associate drug recovery to a few months and boom your cured , people please believe me when I say this is false . I hope I remain strong throughout this fight , as well as my support network not getting bored with these ramblings of mine . Recovery is going to be at my speed , in no way can a recovery for one person be dictated by others thinking they know whats best . I have a lot to be thankful for , I hope you bear with me as I adore all that follow this blog . I have fallen behind a little , like others life has gotten a little busier and somethings gotta give . I thank you all …Btw ..I feel well….Tim
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