I think I need to speak of my family relationship that I have had …and this is all past feelings and actions. I am doing this to get these feelings out and don’t wish to hurt anyone . This is very hard for me so please bear with me. Things were good growing up mostly other than difference of passions . I didn’t have a passion for education , like my older siblings ..( Scott and Lisa ) the just seemed to be on the road to college as far as i remember. I didn’t like school much …I also think this because of early anxiety that was left unattended. In those days you were just told to suck it up and do it.
When I was discharged from the military …ooh yes I was in the navy ( but that’s a different story) I was married to my first wife . This was the beginning of a life that I alone set up for failure. She was indeed one of my worst mistakes in life . We had nothing in common and I didn’t really know who she was…I still don’t. This failure in my mind put me underneath the rest of my family and I have remained there since. I was self medicating for anxiety then , though being very minimal. When this ended in divorce , I was mortified … not being able to talk about this within my family i was in my mind a failure. From this point I started a quest to seek approval of my family for my life . I hit wall after wall after wall trying , what I thought would gain pride from my family. I got remarried and had a son only to fail again ..this relationship was destined for failure and I knew it . I hung on as long as I could only to crash and burn. After this I lost all grips with reality and began on a road of deep drug abuse , maybe trying to die. the whole time this was going on I was ashamed of myself and couldn’t bring myself to speak with my family . …Yes a guilty conscience. This drug abuse lasted about 12 years and me for one am surprised I’m still here writing this blog …Thank god is all I can say. Then it happened … I met what would become my next wife . Teresa was a loner and she really wanted to be with someone . We connected very well…I thought anyway. I was an out of work drug addict when we met. She was the best influence in my life I had been around in many years , she helped me build my relationship back with my family . The patience she showed me was astronomical , she was my savior . The drugs even stopped for some time…I thought I had it made. Ohhh yeah there i go thinking again…. some how things went south . I can sit here and blame everyone I want , the blame is mine. I was losing control and drugs abuse was getting worse and here I am … easy peasy japaneasy . The point that I totally missed here is the extent of time and energy she spent to get me back with my family was astonishing. We were a family again as well , even going to family events . I guess to summarize this maybe on the outside I may have looked like I was ( dodging life ) I was … I was repressing feelings that I couldn’t process. I love my family and it will be very hard at this age to find a way to rethink feeling and cope with this anxiety that in reality turns to terror at certain times in my life.