Today is a new day…. I don’t need to use today… well it has happened…a set back. ? When I got up this morning it was like pure anxiety about the past..I mean immediately , as soon as my eyes were open ..BANG there it was. The thoughts were rushing through my head like a out of control freight train . I stood up and started breathing..I was almost in tears from the attack of feeling , It seemed to consume me like an overflowing cup of water. Some of my thoughts were of the future as well… I want to be happy.. I know how to get there.. will it still be there when i arrive ? The past thoughts , well the same as always …why did I do what I did.. Well friends just to let you know …Ha , I handled this flood of thought and feelings .. not one time did the use of drugs enter my mind..I got up at about 7:15 and its now 10:05 am and I’m feeling better already…Sorry to bore all of you with this but I’m really excited about these things.. I don’t know maybe I’m a dork…ohh well someones gotta be.
Ok now for the big…I mean huge news..Friday March 9th will be my last day smoking cigarettes….. When at the docs office yesterday , I received a prescription for Chantix .. I know many have said to me .. what ever you do , don’t quit smoking rite now…well friends I’m ready for this as well . I am so sick of being a prisoner to smoking cigs. They make a person feel bad after a while … I think I’m smoking out of pure habit..They do not in any way make me feel better, only worse at night when I lay down. So wow I’m excited about this as well, a little scared ..but hey its a part of life ..so I’m going to deal with it….
I want to get something off my mind I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. Here lately there’s been accusations and finger-pointing about something I deem very negative , and why my struggle for positive reinforcement . I have a very good friend , some would say its a best friend ,,, well I hope so. Her name Is Autumn Lane …she is the mother of my grandson … she is at very least a smart and beautiful girl. Along a bout 10 days or so ago she reconnected with me telling me there were pics of my grandson on her facebook page. Up to this point the powers at play wanted to keep this child from me …Why do you say …. From pure spite … Because they wanted to hurt me more than I already was ..? I’m not sure . One thing I am sure of is the way I treated her. She was always nice to me ..and for some reason , that I have no idea .. treated her badly. We talked on the phone and exchanged advise for similar problems . Now I’m accused of dating her …ummmmm wow I’m 700 miles away …she’s my grandsons mother.. I posted a few pics for her on facebook and talked on the phone wwwwwoooooooowwwww ohhh wait I did post a song from Boston on here profile as well…And umm was accused of sending her love songs …omg . I really hope these people read this blog entry and see how stupid they sound . It really is true what they say… if you think you’re in bad shape just look around , there’s always someone worse off… I wont stop talking to her as she has helped me in my fight , when I last spoke with her it was on a bad note …her first comment on this blog was so positive and supporting as she just looked past my short comings and knew I needed help.. these are the people I want in my life now ..That’s how i feel ….Autumn you are one of my heroes anyone that can step up and work so hard to raise a child , well when this is over I WILL have your back….
Friends today is a new day… not as good as yesterday …but I will make it as good . I feel fine..