Today is another rainy gloomy cold day, as it fits the mood being shared by my mind and body. This fight I’m currently in , is at the very least depressing at times as even with the friends and family I have around me this loneliness invades me still. I sit alone wondering why I’m still here, there have been a few occasions my light could have ended as I am now fighting to remain positive so as not to revert to the old way of thinking. These days are still very much apart of my life as the flood of emotion has returned this morning. My health is very much on my mind and probably the reasons for these feelings I’m dealing with now.
I wonder at times why I’m here , what is my purpose ? I know this is a pretty complicated thought ..lol..probably something I for one shouldn’t be thinking of at this time. I have had some wonderful people put in my path at different times in my past , as the past wasn’t all bad for me. These people have taught me certain things and partly have defined me as a person . I wonder because of the addictions I had , did I miss my true calling ? Did I miss the place I was meant to be ? I do believe to a certain point that things happen for a reason, but could it be that just ONE TIME I made the mistake and lost something truly meant for me ? Then on the other hand maybe that’s why I’m still here , because I haven’t found the true reason for my being here. These are a few thoughts that ravage my mind from time to time. I have been told to let the past go , to begin a new life and start over . This is a lot more difficult than anyone can imagine ,really think about this for a minute and tell me this is capable of happening . With all that said I do know in my mind I will begin again , I will rebuild my life without the use of drugs and I will excel at what I do. At the same time I also know parts of my past will still be a big part of me as there memory’s wash over me like the sun on a warm day. Please don’t feel compelled to comment on this post as I have spoken about this in the past and I’m mainly just venting feelings I have . The most positive thing about this morning is I’m dealing with this situation better than I ever have , without the thought of drug use and even better than that , no urges to smoke a cigarette..!!!
Most of the associations of smoking cigs have been broken as a few do still remain. The biggest is anxiety , as that feeling is so strong at times it feels nothing will prevail. The other big one , believe it or not is being active as in working on a project . I have finished a few projects and urges to smoke were very strong at times . I do think the worst of these cravings are behind me , as the days are getting a lot easier. I am so blessed as to being strong enough to end this affliction unlike me in the past or others I pray for and hope find the same strength.
The class I had Monday evening was 100 percent better than any to this point , the only thing wrong was there wasn’t enough time to truly go over this material as I am continuing this research on my own. The topic was drugs and the chemicals they produce and how brain receptors are blocked or absorb these chemicals. This is very interesting to me as the rest of the class as a whole were looking at the clock for dismissal. I’m not real sure how it’s going to go over but I have a list of questions I’m returning with next Monday !!
I’m not sure but drug addiction really interests me as the whys and reason for to the ways of recovery and reform. I may have found my reason for being here. I think I would really enjoy helping others with this affliction as I am really in tune to the mind of the addicted.
This is by far not my best day , but I do feel good has come out of this as I have no need to use today, I do hope all are at peace and have a wonderful day . I’m a recovering addict , you can bet I’m ok and getting stronger by the day. Hope to see all tomorrow…
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