I have reached this plateau , I think it’s the most confusing thing , more than anything I’ve been through . When you feel improvement happening daily , even weekly there’s always feelings of betterment . The slowness of things now are distressing , they seem to crawl . I’m filling my days with things that steal my thoughts from thinking of my situation as much . Sometimes it even slips my mind completely , only to return at times harder from a tiny thing as hearing a name . I can’t fight some of the thoughts I have , they overtake me easily . When the self-made logic appears , it shows up as a feeling of betrayal to myself , all along being tricks from the disease , this affliction . Some call this a monster , I refer to it as a demon , it’s a demon that’s planted deep in our identity , our individuality is changed from daily life choices made wrong , compounded by the intake of temporary happiness , after years changing the regular function of our chemistry . Fighting for the return of our inner being from these demons , I see as my fight for a lifetime .
I feel as a disabled person from time to time , crippled from surroundings , covered by thoughts of restlessness. There is no stopping of this locomotive storming through my head , at times weighing on me so hard I can’t think . I sit staring at nothing , empty thoughts , maybe scared to attentions to one thing . I’m worried for the first time about my future , I had been carefree , a child at heart, now it’s serious , the thinking of succeeding is getting distant . I will never stop fighting this , however the fight may get shorter . As I gain consciousness over thought or dreams of my future , I’m feeling my mortality take over my continuing years .
Gary the grasshopper was having some fun
William the worm was caught in the sun
with nowhere to go , the worm started to dry
William looked to the sky praying not to fry
A long came Gary with some of his friends
They each seen the problem , they gave godsend
With wings they covered old William til night
It had seemed Gary helped a worm with his plight
Now I’m not sure but maybe we’ll learn
From Gary the grasshopper and William the worm
PLEASE CLICK THE PICTURE TO SUBMIT YOUR OWN POEM…..
Here is the final Poetry Challenge based on these abstracts, unless you all let me know you want me to continue them. The winning name was submitted by Diane at hometogo232. Thanks Diane!
Poetry Challenge rules: Submit your poems, named “Grasshopper Meets Worm”, . (And pass this on, maybe others will want to play). Friday, U.S. noon central time to get your poems in, and thank you! Click picture above to submit your poem…or go tohttp://mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/grasshopper-meets-worm-poetry-challenge/ Good luck
I get up everyday to the same smell of rejuvenated life . The attitude of the past slowly leaving as the new fills the day . I sometimes get stuck in the past as we all have small failures while we heal and look for future success . This particular morning the feelings a bit stronger , the fresh air engulfs my being like the sight of a newborn life . The flood of emotions that haunted my day are being sorted , revisited , processed so future feelings can be dealt with in a more resourceful manner without the fear of relapse . I have been so afraid of feeling , I have regressed my natural sense of livelihood . I have accepted less from my day-to-day existence , hiding from the joys of family and friends only to be living in lies from one to another . This new day , today’s new air has something for me , I feel it . I know I’m here for a reason , this feeling , this caress that life holds for me is overflowing today . I love the smell of morning air……..
We always think we know it all
she sits in her chair at the vets big wall
staring at the name of one that she knew
while we only worry of days coming new
our people have fallen in a field made for cattle
they bleed and they struggle to win a great battle
in the end what have we learned
was it worth our people who never return
Another month has gone , I’m taking things slowly as it seems everyone wants . I am now seeing the actual difficulties in relapse and carrying on as an addict whom functions as a productive citizen with in our society . Most all of us think of addiction as going to rehab and everything will be ok , I will let you know this is false . The reason most relapse and never succeed is because of the urges . Early in my rehabilitation I thought these people are nuts ” what urges ” I don’t even have them . I am nearing the end of my educational class in out-patient rehab and these urges have been getting stronger and stronger by the day. I have battled them to success , however I feel as if I’m being followed by this plague , this monster is leering at me from the night , looking in the windows of my being to see if I will falter . I lay awake in bed trying to sleep as this villain the same that stole pieces of my life hides in the dark waiting for me too give in . It’s like a double-edged sword , if I obsess too much I will get tired and give in for my sanity , if I gain too much strength and lose touch I will forget and relapse . The perfect combination of memory and forgotten memory’s are needed for the success of my addictions .
I have changed medication from an anti anxiety too a anti-depressant . It has been almost a month and the new medication is balancing out . I am feeling better in some ways but struggling in others . I have come to the harsh truth about my life , as I have lived in the moment rather than looking to the future . The faster easier way of life rather the secure , safe and slower life enjoyed by most of my family and friends . Sometimes this has worked out in my favor , mostly it hasn’t . I’m far from the smartest of people , but I have portrayed a person of less intelligence than I actually am on purpose .. The past was a barter for me as I traded off acquiring and buying drugs for companionship . The part that makes no sense is I knew this when it happened and just played dumb . I wanted the recognition from these people , as the would play along and tell me what I wanted to hear . These past few months it has made me climb walls and panic to no end , but finally I have come to the greatest truth of all alone or not tomorrow will come , fail or not tomorrow comes with new chances .
Antidepressants (Photo credit: mr lynch)
If we truly are a creature of habit , this habit I have built for thirty years is going to be a challenge to beat . I have been drug free for 15 weeks and one day , I have also been free from cigarettes for 11 weeks and one day . I do enjoy my blog and posting to 20 Lines a day as well . I love reading your comments and your blogs as well , so Thank you all , for in small ways , your being a big part of my recovery . So my search will continue for the balance of life , it is getting within view now that the fog in my thinking is beginning to clear.. Thanks for your support ..
Dreams are peaceful , It’s when they mix with reality that they change to nightmares…….timzauto..
So where do I go from here…? There are so many options for me …. I ‘m worried about failing again .. Failing is a part of life … we all fail and we all have successes . I need to think more of my successes and learn from failure … I seem to keep reliving failure , why can’t I let these go . They haunt my being , they rob my sanity , they fill my head with confusing thought . Why is happiness so hard for me to attain ? These are my true feelings at this moment …
I am also posting on this blog…http://anexerciseindiscipline.wordpress.com/ Please check and follow this blog as well it has many great writers and posts Thanks ..Tim
Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory.
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”
They judge you now, but they will need you someday. They ignore you now, but they will chase you someday. That’s life.
Choose carefully who you dismiss from your past: for one of them just may be the someone of your future.
Grim Tuesday (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
We Are One!
We are people of love
We are people of faith
We are products of the environment
We are representatives of nature
We are one with nature
We are one of many
We are a symbol of faith
We are flesh with smaller matter
We are systems followed by smaller systems that dictate who we are
We are of the same species
We are the value of our own
We are no primary but secondary color
We are the meaning of diversity
I found this poem and thought I would share as the feelings I’m having lately compare .
Constant Craving (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’m thinking back when I was in the navy , and didn’t really have a care in the world . We were all friends , we were all brothers , we were as one and that was that. I remember not worrying about who hated who or who was better than who , we were as one . Things were a lot more predictable , not saying this way of life was better but it just seemed easier for me . I joined the armed forces at an early age as I was 17 and very immature at the time . I grew up very fast into a family that was there at all times and through all kinds of weather . I traveled quite a bit while serving my tour of duty and seen different cultures , and different ways of life . We all had dreams of the future and would talk and laugh at what was in store for us . When we met new recruits or someone new , we made friends for life as we were as one .
When I returned to the private sector I guess I was under the impression all were this way. Check out this poem I have read and would like to share….
we are together, we are one.
Let the storms come, let the earth shake,
I will hold your hand no matter what it takes.
You know I am missing you and I am missing your love.
When I have you I have everything,
For I desire you and I desire nothing.
You don’t know this, that I love you very much.
I am craving for you and I am craving for your touch.
Everytime it will be cold,
I will make you warm.
Drawing you closer,
I will grip you in my arms.
There are truths I do not know until I feel them,
There are truths I do not say until I pen them.
This is one truth that I am writing now,
You and me are together
You and me are one
And I know nothing
And I know none.
Hope all have an awesome weekend….
This is a “thought bubble”. It is an illustration depicting thought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I sit here this morning daydreaming of things to come. It’s the first time in many weeks this glance to the future could be found to be enjoyable . I have been filled with thoughts of failure , like I have experienced in the past . These thoughts are so overwhelming at times they do stifle any dreams I may have for the future. For me it’s my time to move onward to the next portion of my life as assessment of my latest failure have been made . Growing and learning from these mistakes or failures in my life can only be made if and when I move on to the future . My main failure being addiction will always have a certain priority in my life , but from now on I will no longer speak of this as an affliction that’s holding me back from my impending future . I have been thinking over my failures as they are so grand in my eyes , an ordinary success wouldn’t be satisfactory . I have found that without the small successes , there’s no chance of the bigger one’s . I have done a little research on the subject of failures in business and I was surprised as most successful business founders have failed more than once before succeeding . The change in thinking is becoming more obvious for me and I can begin to see things happening for the good of my future.
Have an awesome day ……..
E-learning short courses (Photo credit: London College of Fashion short courses)
This is the beginning of a new month and for me a new set of goals that are a little bit longer term . I have made up my mind , I will complete a four-year program in college , my first choice is Psychology with a lot of writing classes . I have been sharpening my skills by taking online courses in grammar , vocabulary and typing . Hopefully I will be able to get funding for this venture , but not real sure where as of yet.
I had a meeting with my counselor yesterday and we had an awesome discussion on goals . She has reminded me of not taking too much on at a time just yet and to reflect on things completed as to get some satisfaction in my recovery. We also spoke of the importance of short-term goals as well as long-term goals . I have been having trouble with the long-term goal selection because of my own insecurity’s of my future. I have again been putting a time limit to my recovery and thinking life would resume as regularly in my past . I find this to be a very callous concept to get over easily . I need to find the middle ground on knowing my recovery is always a priority and never a nuisance at the same time .
I have also made a shorter term goal of getting more involved with my spiritual side . I am going to read more and educate myself on the bible and its meanings. I have several close friends that I’m sure would be happy to discuss things with me . I’m sure getting my mind involved in other things will help me as I’m thinking to the past too much lately.
I hope all have an awesome day…