I lit a cigarette driving home from work that day. Raindrops lightly hit the windshield and made a tiny knocking noise . The vibration from the phone seemed so loud as the quiet rushed in from all directions. I quickly checked the message knowing the news would be bad. The time we had together has been cut yet again. As I drove on the silence was almost horrifyingly calm.The time for me to see you was running out. I drifted as thoughts stampeded through me not know how final this day would be. We rushed by your side everyone struggling with the fact nothing could be done. Watching your breathing get smaller and smaller we waited in agony. Then as fast as life begins your breathing stopped. I looked around the room at everyone’s face holding their breath hoping it wasn’t the last time we could talk to you, hoping it wasn’t the last time we could hold you, laugh with you. The silence in the room was almost deadly.
Almost a lifetime
Just passed me by
Living in loneliness
Sigh after sigh
Not knowing real happiness
Alone in my mind
Roads left untraveled
Me in a bind
Meetings were merely random
Moving closer all the time
Then one day astoundingly
I also heard a chime
Smile is growing fast
Feelings finding mutual
Hoping love will last…
Waiting for existence
I fell back several times
Side way vision only
Never hearing chimes
Waking from this ugliness
Like putting glasses on
Seeing all I’ve missed before
A picture freshly drawn
Seen this face a thousand times
Never knowing what was real
Is this the way my life can be
Or memory’s will they steal
Sometimes our best is in front of us
Other-times we bend in shame
I’m looking so much closer now
For me there’s no one to blame
I’ve been thinking here lately about new year resolutions and how we put in needed stress on ourselves . We often shoot for the stars and wish upon unrealistic goals that can’t or won’t be met. For me it’s one day at a time with a few short term goals… It keeps my stress level a lot lower.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about lately is regret. I hate it when people say I have no regrets in the way I lived my life…… Well …. I guess they have lived a perfect life without bad decisions . I do have regrets … I have had things such as relationships I held dearly that ended due to my actions or bad decision making… This in my opinion is one of the hardest things to get over …. For some of my regrets I don’t think I ever will
I in the past year or two have been starting my life over …pretty much from nothing. I have done so years ago but this time being older and the job market, economy being bad it has been much harder. Patience is something I’ve never really had as now I am much better but …..it seems I’m waiting for things that may never happen again.
Ok so here it is ..I have lived in a different place for several years , moving back home things have changed some ….people being different, loosing contact with others and well you know friends moving on with their lives . After maybe a year I thought to myself YEAH…Ill go online and check out the dating sites and see if there are any people I know in the area. I set a profile on two different sites, first of all if you don’t know these sorts of sites …they are filled with bait and switch people. I mean most that have a profile have either photos 10 years old or pictures depicting something far from what they really are. I’m not sure why anyone would put themselves out there for rejection like that then complain about it.
I talked to a few people I have never met being there wasn’t anyone on these sites I knew. In maybe a month I agreed to meet one of the best ( I thought ) that I had spoken too. Well……first of all one of the questions on the profile was …Do you have a car… a simple question to answer as this person answered yes…. I show up to meet this person at her house , which is probably not a good idea for a first time . I asked why she didn’t want to meet in a public place…she told me she didn’t have a license and the car wasn’t registered …lol but she answered the question correctly….She did have a car… it seems to me if you are truly looking for a “long-term relationship” you would describe yourself as true as one could… or maybe I’m just being petty.
Sooo here we go ….out on a date …there were several things I seen in this person that I didn’t really like a whole lot ….but being the impatient person I was ….I thought compromise is a big value in a relationship and let it go for a while. On our fourth date I just couldn’t “compromise” anymore. I let her know that this wasn’t the relationship I wanted and we both need to move on.
I …the person that thinks into thinks way to much had come to the point that I was just going to be alone for what maybe the rest of my life. After a few weeks I thought of calling this person and maybe giving this another try maybe this was all me and I need to just go with the flow so to speak….and then it came to me ….you wouldn’t by a pair of shoes on sale that you always wanted one size to small …so why would you try to make a relationship fit just because its something you want…. I hope one and all has a Merry Christmas and I truly hope all of you have a great and prosperous new year…
- Girlfriend in a Week: Review Examining Jonathan Green’s Dating Program Released (prweb.com)
- Tips for dating after a divorce or long term relationship (faith-dating.co.uk)
- Oh The holidays and joys of family that dont understand. (ptsdstruggles.wordpress.com)
- Sick and Tired of The Bait and Switch (centerlefty.wordpress.com)
I do have quality’s in others that I hate …it’s a funny thing , they are good quality’s sooo I guess my worst is jealousy…I watch others especially during the Christmas holidays . Most are bustling around doing their holiday shopping , decorating , ….you know in the holiday spirit. Me ….ummm well it’s not that I’m a Scrooge … but it’s just harder for me to feel the same joy as others…. I do fake many sentiments as I crawl though this time of year.
Jealousy ….The green-eyed monster..
So jealousy has raise its ugly head …. I know the problem ….that’s half way to finding a cure…anyhow I wish all a happy holiday season ….REALLY I’m not faking….
- Are you a Grinch or a Scrooge? (solsticesatisfaction.com)
- Don’t Be a Grinch: 12 Helpful Tips To Help you Enjoy the Holidays (amibeingcatty.wordpress.com)
- 10 steps to be the scroogiest Scrooge. (henrybevan.wordpress.com)
- Preparing For Holiday Shopping (coupons.answers.com)
- WOTD: The Danger of Jealousy- Joyce Meyer (litroads.wordpress.com)
- Villain Chat: The Grinch (fangirlsarewe.com)
- The Grinch…Me! (emersenlee.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Memories of Holidays Past (adorablyobnoxious.wordpress.com)
- Daily Prompt: Memories of Holidays Past (pilvipouta.wordpress.com)
- De-Grinching (daydreambeliever95.wordpress.com)